A fucking struggle

I feel as if I'm totally drowning and finally just letting it fucking happen...go with the flow...drown and face the damn fears that have always reared their ugly heads. You know I'm alone, lets face it...the fact is I'm alone. I have run till I'm bloody raw, I have yelled most of my life inside (so as not to piss off anyone) and now I'm saying FUCK YOU. I have a right to my feelings, I have a right to believe in the here after, in spirituality, in human kindness. The best people in my life have entered through doors of wisdom and searching. I have run like a bloody hussy trying to find her way over the last year and a half...who am I, why has everything slipped away??? Well I'm here to say things just happen, we slip away from one another, people make choices and we are all on our own search to become what we were meant to be. Do I believe that we are worm dust...hell no...I believe we are working towards a higher being, we are continuing a path to get to our conscious state. People have choices in life for better for worse. We can't expect to please everyone. God knows I have tried that scenario for most of my adult life and it leads to half ass concoctions that are bitter to drink in the long run. I have latched on to everyone and everything that has entered my life not wanting anyone to hate me. Well I'm finally becoming comfortable with the state I'm in. You either like me or you don't and I'm learning that perhaps (just perhaps) I might never find true love or companionship and thats fucking ok too. By letting myself drown and facing the blackness I will rise stronger and of fresh mind.
Perhaps paths will begin to open up for me and with a fresh mind I will begin to see which path is more feasible.
And, finally the only one I have to answer to is me...I'm not going to get told that this is a stupid idea or that no money will be made through this venture. I'm pulling the damn marketing plans out of the garbage, I'm going to go for the gusto, and I'm going to start my humanitarian work this summer. Stick it where the sun doesn't shine if you don't like it.
This is me, just me, nothing more nothing less..what you see is what you get.
no more fucking struggles with loved ones or silly relationships who can't accept.

The Waiting Game

Well, the waiting game is teaching me patience...total acceptance of the moment. Seems to be my motto this year (and last year). The health is my last hurtle and I have one more test to get done. If it's meant to happen it will and if not then there will be new adventures to partake in. I'm reading "The New Earth" by Eckhart Toulle and I have to say it has opened new horizons for me. Considering the fact that we are all life changing forms whose structure is never permanent but everchanging produces some lasting thoughts in one's head. We get so caught up in weak moments of being human. Anger or jealousy of another, wanting more and feeling vulnerable because we don't have enough, caring (too much) about what others' think and allowing that to drain us. Total acceptance of "I am" sounds so much more inviting. But in this game of life we make errors and we keep grasping to find peace and harmony. At least the awareness of human qualities now resides within me and I catch myself when vulnerability sets in...now that's growth, or is it age....hmmmm

Free will

Hmmm...totally letting go and exploring free will. How far I have come, then wham a slip up by just human contact. I'm simply amazed how fast another human being can touch our psyche and disturb, rattle, or humble our thought pattern. Yes, I have to give credit to the growth that has been estabished in two years of healing. Yes, I thank my family and friends who have noticed this growth and have accepted the person who has arisen from the cocoon of painful emergence. How wonderful to think I never have to return to this cocoon. I'm free to be me, to experience these moments of laughter and pain, to cry and laugh with total abandon if I thus desire. Even knowing that the search for true companionship and understanding is a whimsical journey leading to some days of frustration, I still allow my soul that strength and joy to continue the journey and enjoy the progress along the way. Lessons to learn, people to love, pain to be felt. My physical brain still slips and spouts causing reactions from others. But maybe I was meant to rattle some cages and perhaps I was meant to touch lives in some manner of being. As long as I share unconditional love also, allowing them total free will healing will occur. I'm trying to just allow others to be. Healing continues...

Ramblings

And why did I feel the need to criss cross Lou's Inferno with New Beginnings....hmmm. Perhaps because the fine books that we are reading bring out many questions on the pathway of new beginnings. My ramblings which will continue not only through my fingers, through my mouth, but alas through my feet as I ramble across the country. Next stop Denver to see my children Laura and Brandon...Can't wait

Robert Johnson

Who is Robert Johnson I asked? "Year of Fog" brought up this name and I had to search because my curious nature would not rest. Oh and the skeptic would relay "You should know who Robert Johnson is!" but alas we cannot know all or even a small fraction but we can educate ourselves therefor preventing ignorance. The blues singer, the woman lover, the devil of a singer: that is Robert Johnson. Great music and a deep soul who was constantly searching to find himself, to see himself through a woman's eyes. Love them, hate them, leave them, ...love them.. a never ending circle. We all have the rambling spirit in us, the spirit that searches for our true identity...
A quote from the book (I marveled): "We all have a little Robert Johnson in us. We're all capable of bartering away our soul. The question is whether or not we chance upon the devil."
We ramble, we search, we are not here long... live for this moment for it might not happen again.
Annie

The Pearl Diver

"The Pearl Diver"
A movie that touched my heart. Our loved ones touch our lives so deeply. I know in my heart that it is destiny that brothers, sisters, moms, and dads are given to one another. To love, to sustain, to grieve, to laugh, to exist. My brothers have touched my life from the moment they were born. Their smiles, their boyish ways, following their big sister around and pestering her to death. Torturing my dolls, chasing me around the farm, play acting on huge wood platforms in the hot summer sun, riding horses till we were exhausted, and oh the joy of swimming in the muddy Big Sandy creek. Tons of turtles, catfish, crawdads and we could have cared less as we swam with mother earth's creatures. Mom filled our days with play, good food, and inspiration. Father he was a God in our eyes. A silent man lost in thought but so sweet and gentle. How I wanted to know those thoughts that wandered through his head. But we were raised in a time that feelings, emotions, thoughts ... they were pushed back. Dealt with through silence. Dad seemed to be this old, wise soul in a long skinny body who seemed to mourn his youth. So handsome, so distant. Mom she was such a balance point for us. She always filled our days with laughter (or yelling as needed...we were quite the stinkers at times).
In the pearl diver two sisters deal with the death of their mom, a very sad death... a horrible death. They lose themselves trying to figure out what life has dealt them. Through dad's death I knew how deeply I truly needed my brothers. Their strength, their quiet wisdom, and yes even their smart ass comments. For laughter heals all things. Big sis can be way to serious at times. I have watched my brothers love my children, my beautiful children, loved my husband just like a brother. We have made it through so much. We will make it through this too. Forgiving, being the best we can be for life is short and you never know what will sail around the corner at you. Everyone deals with life in their own way, with contemplation perhaps tucking pain away, but perhaps also trying to heal.
We all carry our own vision of the world, that world can overwhelm us as we desperately try to make sense of the crap that appears. Trying to watch the words that tumble out, thinking of others before self centered crap arises....it's all part of being so human. Searching for love and understanding and along the way trying to be a good person. People enter your life and one soaks them up wondering what tidbit is being deposited into your heart from these wonderful souls but meanwhile your loved ones are constantly there, never turning away, just always there.
I love you and I thank you
Mom and dad (up in heaven)
Aaron and Shawwna
George and Nancy
Jason and Laura
Tim

Breathe

When it hurts, crawl like the sea
turtle to where you began.

Feel the tide turn back to shore.
Ride it in. Let the moon

Pull through you. Now it's time
for stillness, pillows and ice.

Breathe through the lace
curtains of your back.

Fall into place. And falling, rise.

Poem by Wyatt Townley from "The Breathing Field"

one more step

Well as of tonite I'm being nominated by Ely who ran my interview. I had to choose (at this time) my date that I could leave, pick from several areas that were available to me , and decide if I was ok with teaching primary teachers curriculum (hopefully I will also be able to share my knowledge in the field of art). I am of course happy to teach where ever they want me. I was to chose between Asia, Pacific Islands, and South America. There was only one position open in South America and a couple open in Asia. After research and visiting with fellow Peace Corps members I decided to pick the Pacific Islands. Now comes the funny part. I will now wait to hear from the main Peace Corps office(after passing my health exam...keep fingers crossed)to see where I will be placed. That's right first I choose and then they choose for me where I will be best placed. Sort of strange that they have me choose first but I'm soooo open to where ever they place me! I know I will be placed where I'm needed most. So starts the adventure........

lazy quiet night

What is it about the lonely factor that sets into our human souls? I'm slowly learning that being alone isn't all bad but there are times you just crave adult company. Especially when I teach wonderful teenage souls all day (trying to find themselves). They are beautiful people but one does need to touch base with maturity at times if only to center your life. A glass of wine later, dancing my energy away I reach for my journal and look anxiously forward knowing that meeting of new minds is calling my name....come to the river and play Annie....
I anxiously await.
I'm listening to Susan Tedeschi "Come to the River"....
another wonderful suggestion is Martin Sexton (his remake of Purple Rain is something else).
Love to the lazy world tonite, full moon I will miss you..until we meet again.

To new beginnings

This will be my official blogging site for 2009. I hope to share my journey with family, friends, and other such loved ones. A new adventure awaits in the air, an adventure of healing , soul searching, of simplifying life, and most importantly of helping others. Starting in August of 2008 I had decided to start an application for the Peace Corps. I have dreamed of joining since my high school days and the timing seemed perfect (almost perfect that is). Then I had to stop myself and ask, "Is there really any perfect timing for such an event? If life presented easy problems would we ever unearth our true pathway?". The house had diminished into an empty nest (shell) without the laughter of my children and grandchildren filling it. Yes, when they were home all was right with the world but the walls were hollow and full of echoes when they were gone. My nesting instincts had vanished with the lighting of a new pathway. Material items that filled the home had no value beyond necessity. Only those items that had been given to me by my loved ones held intrinsic value to me. I began to see that the home needed children and laughter again... Perhaps Jason would take it over? The possibilities seemed endless and the plan formulated forth.
Now after months of interviews, essays, paperwork, references, and health enquiries I'm heading for (hopefully) the invitation to join the Peace Corps. I should know within the next few weeks. I feel the growth possibilities will be unlimited and perhaps I will begin to learn how to center my life once again. When I'm able to focus on others, on positive engery forces, I grow in leapless bounds. I hate the avenue of self pity that I (OOOHH) can get caught up in when lonely and bored. Educating one's self, expanding one's creativity, meeting people from all walks of life....WOW! This stimulates me, excites me, causes huge growth patterns in my brain.
I have been told that the Peace Corps experience will be a raw adventure, an acceptance of other cultures and mindsets. Basic living novelties such as eating, dressing, exercising, and etc. will have to be revamped and relearned through new eyes. A new language will be learned (8 hours a day for 3 months ...exciting). And factors of isolation will have to be dealt with. I have always relied on family and friends when loneliness set in and now I would have to look inward. I'm working hard on this factor already. I need to prepare.
More to come....