A fucking struggle

I feel as if I'm totally drowning and finally just letting it fucking happen...go with the flow...drown and face the damn fears that have always reared their ugly heads. You know I'm alone, lets face it...the fact is I'm alone. I have run till I'm bloody raw, I have yelled most of my life inside (so as not to piss off anyone) and now I'm saying FUCK YOU. I have a right to my feelings, I have a right to believe in the here after, in spirituality, in human kindness. The best people in my life have entered through doors of wisdom and searching. I have run like a bloody hussy trying to find her way over the last year and a half...who am I, why has everything slipped away??? Well I'm here to say things just happen, we slip away from one another, people make choices and we are all on our own search to become what we were meant to be. Do I believe that we are worm dust...hell no...I believe we are working towards a higher being, we are continuing a path to get to our conscious state. People have choices in life for better for worse. We can't expect to please everyone. God knows I have tried that scenario for most of my adult life and it leads to half ass concoctions that are bitter to drink in the long run. I have latched on to everyone and everything that has entered my life not wanting anyone to hate me. Well I'm finally becoming comfortable with the state I'm in. You either like me or you don't and I'm learning that perhaps (just perhaps) I might never find true love or companionship and thats fucking ok too. By letting myself drown and facing the blackness I will rise stronger and of fresh mind.
Perhaps paths will begin to open up for me and with a fresh mind I will begin to see which path is more feasible.
And, finally the only one I have to answer to is me...I'm not going to get told that this is a stupid idea or that no money will be made through this venture. I'm pulling the damn marketing plans out of the garbage, I'm going to go for the gusto, and I'm going to start my humanitarian work this summer. Stick it where the sun doesn't shine if you don't like it.
This is me, just me, nothing more nothing less..what you see is what you get.
no more fucking struggles with loved ones or silly relationships who can't accept.

The Waiting Game

Well, the waiting game is teaching me patience...total acceptance of the moment. Seems to be my motto this year (and last year). The health is my last hurtle and I have one more test to get done. If it's meant to happen it will and if not then there will be new adventures to partake in. I'm reading "The New Earth" by Eckhart Toulle and I have to say it has opened new horizons for me. Considering the fact that we are all life changing forms whose structure is never permanent but everchanging produces some lasting thoughts in one's head. We get so caught up in weak moments of being human. Anger or jealousy of another, wanting more and feeling vulnerable because we don't have enough, caring (too much) about what others' think and allowing that to drain us. Total acceptance of "I am" sounds so much more inviting. But in this game of life we make errors and we keep grasping to find peace and harmony. At least the awareness of human qualities now resides within me and I catch myself when vulnerability sets in...now that's growth, or is it age....hmmmm

Free will

Hmmm...totally letting go and exploring free will. How far I have come, then wham a slip up by just human contact. I'm simply amazed how fast another human being can touch our psyche and disturb, rattle, or humble our thought pattern. Yes, I have to give credit to the growth that has been estabished in two years of healing. Yes, I thank my family and friends who have noticed this growth and have accepted the person who has arisen from the cocoon of painful emergence. How wonderful to think I never have to return to this cocoon. I'm free to be me, to experience these moments of laughter and pain, to cry and laugh with total abandon if I thus desire. Even knowing that the search for true companionship and understanding is a whimsical journey leading to some days of frustration, I still allow my soul that strength and joy to continue the journey and enjoy the progress along the way. Lessons to learn, people to love, pain to be felt. My physical brain still slips and spouts causing reactions from others. But maybe I was meant to rattle some cages and perhaps I was meant to touch lives in some manner of being. As long as I share unconditional love also, allowing them total free will healing will occur. I'm trying to just allow others to be. Healing continues...

Ramblings

And why did I feel the need to criss cross Lou's Inferno with New Beginnings....hmmm. Perhaps because the fine books that we are reading bring out many questions on the pathway of new beginnings. My ramblings which will continue not only through my fingers, through my mouth, but alas through my feet as I ramble across the country. Next stop Denver to see my children Laura and Brandon...Can't wait

Robert Johnson

Who is Robert Johnson I asked? "Year of Fog" brought up this name and I had to search because my curious nature would not rest. Oh and the skeptic would relay "You should know who Robert Johnson is!" but alas we cannot know all or even a small fraction but we can educate ourselves therefor preventing ignorance. The blues singer, the woman lover, the devil of a singer: that is Robert Johnson. Great music and a deep soul who was constantly searching to find himself, to see himself through a woman's eyes. Love them, hate them, leave them, ...love them.. a never ending circle. We all have the rambling spirit in us, the spirit that searches for our true identity...
A quote from the book (I marveled): "We all have a little Robert Johnson in us. We're all capable of bartering away our soul. The question is whether or not we chance upon the devil."
We ramble, we search, we are not here long... live for this moment for it might not happen again.
Annie

The Pearl Diver

"The Pearl Diver"
A movie that touched my heart. Our loved ones touch our lives so deeply. I know in my heart that it is destiny that brothers, sisters, moms, and dads are given to one another. To love, to sustain, to grieve, to laugh, to exist. My brothers have touched my life from the moment they were born. Their smiles, their boyish ways, following their big sister around and pestering her to death. Torturing my dolls, chasing me around the farm, play acting on huge wood platforms in the hot summer sun, riding horses till we were exhausted, and oh the joy of swimming in the muddy Big Sandy creek. Tons of turtles, catfish, crawdads and we could have cared less as we swam with mother earth's creatures. Mom filled our days with play, good food, and inspiration. Father he was a God in our eyes. A silent man lost in thought but so sweet and gentle. How I wanted to know those thoughts that wandered through his head. But we were raised in a time that feelings, emotions, thoughts ... they were pushed back. Dealt with through silence. Dad seemed to be this old, wise soul in a long skinny body who seemed to mourn his youth. So handsome, so distant. Mom she was such a balance point for us. She always filled our days with laughter (or yelling as needed...we were quite the stinkers at times).
In the pearl diver two sisters deal with the death of their mom, a very sad death... a horrible death. They lose themselves trying to figure out what life has dealt them. Through dad's death I knew how deeply I truly needed my brothers. Their strength, their quiet wisdom, and yes even their smart ass comments. For laughter heals all things. Big sis can be way to serious at times. I have watched my brothers love my children, my beautiful children, loved my husband just like a brother. We have made it through so much. We will make it through this too. Forgiving, being the best we can be for life is short and you never know what will sail around the corner at you. Everyone deals with life in their own way, with contemplation perhaps tucking pain away, but perhaps also trying to heal.
We all carry our own vision of the world, that world can overwhelm us as we desperately try to make sense of the crap that appears. Trying to watch the words that tumble out, thinking of others before self centered crap arises....it's all part of being so human. Searching for love and understanding and along the way trying to be a good person. People enter your life and one soaks them up wondering what tidbit is being deposited into your heart from these wonderful souls but meanwhile your loved ones are constantly there, never turning away, just always there.
I love you and I thank you
Mom and dad (up in heaven)
Aaron and Shawwna
George and Nancy
Jason and Laura
Tim

Breathe

When it hurts, crawl like the sea
turtle to where you began.

Feel the tide turn back to shore.
Ride it in. Let the moon

Pull through you. Now it's time
for stillness, pillows and ice.

Breathe through the lace
curtains of your back.

Fall into place. And falling, rise.

Poem by Wyatt Townley from "The Breathing Field"