A fucking struggle

I feel as if I'm totally drowning and finally just letting it fucking happen...go with the flow...drown and face the damn fears that have always reared their ugly heads. You know I'm alone, lets face it...the fact is I'm alone. I have run till I'm bloody raw, I have yelled most of my life inside (so as not to piss off anyone) and now I'm saying FUCK YOU. I have a right to my feelings, I have a right to believe in the here after, in spirituality, in human kindness. The best people in my life have entered through doors of wisdom and searching. I have run like a bloody hussy trying to find her way over the last year and a half...who am I, why has everything slipped away??? Well I'm here to say things just happen, we slip away from one another, people make choices and we are all on our own search to become what we were meant to be. Do I believe that we are worm dust...hell no...I believe we are working towards a higher being, we are continuing a path to get to our conscious state. People have choices in life for better for worse. We can't expect to please everyone. God knows I have tried that scenario for most of my adult life and it leads to half ass concoctions that are bitter to drink in the long run. I have latched on to everyone and everything that has entered my life not wanting anyone to hate me. Well I'm finally becoming comfortable with the state I'm in. You either like me or you don't and I'm learning that perhaps (just perhaps) I might never find true love or companionship and thats fucking ok too. By letting myself drown and facing the blackness I will rise stronger and of fresh mind.
Perhaps paths will begin to open up for me and with a fresh mind I will begin to see which path is more feasible.
And, finally the only one I have to answer to is me...I'm not going to get told that this is a stupid idea or that no money will be made through this venture. I'm pulling the damn marketing plans out of the garbage, I'm going to go for the gusto, and I'm going to start my humanitarian work this summer. Stick it where the sun doesn't shine if you don't like it.
This is me, just me, nothing more nothing less..what you see is what you get.
no more fucking struggles with loved ones or silly relationships who can't accept.